Wednesday, February 6, 2013

faux business letter fun

So anyway...

Just being silly today; here is a faux business letter complaining about a defective product:

To Whom It May Concern:

I have recently purchased a jet-powered SuperBrush (TM)  for dogs from your company under the mistaken belief that, using it, I would finally be able to keep my Labrador Retriever’s hair clean and free of matting.  I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I am in your product.

First of all, the on/off switch failed the first seven times I tried it.  Following all instructions carefully, I kept it far from open flames, light sockets, and hot tea kettles, but still it would not ignite the brush.  Finally, on the eighth try (which, in subsequent attempts to start this product, is the earliest I have ever managed to succeed), the jet ignited and the brush began to whirl.  However, that led me to a second problem: the jet is apparently set so high that the entire mechanism flew out of my hand, flying around my living room at something near the speed of sound, sending shards of shattered window glass rocketing through the room along with at least two dozen back issues of magazines which I had not yet read (and which I could not replace because they were out of print) and decapitating two stuffed teddy bears on the couch before I could bring it under control.

There being no kill switch on the jet itself, I had to wait for the jets to begin to run low on fuel, by which time the brush had nearly destroyed my CD collection, parted my hair too severely, and eaten everything from my refrigerator.  This missing switch is a serious design flaw, I might add: what would I do if the thing decided to fly itself to the next county?  While I am sure there are deserving and appropriately mangy dogs there too, I think you would agree that my brush should remain in my home until I decide to remove it.

Finally bringing the brush under control, I began to use it for its intended purpose: cleaning the coat of my dog.  It was at this point that the worst of the flaws made itself known.  The sudden surges of power should not have been a problem, but I happened to be brushing Eddie’s hind quarter at the time of a massive energy surge in the brush.  When the dog is released from the hospital, I will be renaming it Betty.

I am sure that you will agree that this brush has not lived up to the high standards indicated by your advertising.  Therefore, I request the immediate refund of the $20.95 which I spent on your product.  It is severely defective and has caused me no end of trouble.  (And I have not even mentioned the stains that burning jet fuel leaves on my carpet.)



Also, I would like to share with you an actual letter I sent via e-mail to a company which had solicited my business over the internet in an attempt to sell me what it called “a way to shed fat and loose weight fast.”

Dear Sirs,

Even if I were prone to purchase things from unsolicited e-mail, there is no way I would buy something from a company so lightweight that it cannot even find its way clear to proofread the subject line of its mass mailings.

If you want to find any loose weight lying around, try your marketing department.


Forgive me.  I’m tired and cranky and I need to spend some time in Hawaii.  Anyone got a condo I could borrow?

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